yesterdayland

heyy.

last few days, ive started doing something that i practically never did. i started focusing most of my energy on my grieve. grieve, to me, is the heart shattering feeling of something coming to an end. be it a relationship, a life episode, an idea of someone you had in mind, or most often, all of the above.

in a big part of my life i was tippy toeing around this topic. feeling something in the back of my mind clawing at my daily mood was typical, but i thought this feeling cant be helped, so i just pushed it even futher back and focused on things to distract myself, new relationships, new hobbies, videos, reels, shorts, whatever i could find to cope.

but inside of my mind, there were unadressed feelings of missing a lot of things and people. for every single relationship that has ended, every door that got closed, i held the door handle, just wishing it could be turned once again, at some point in time. i waited like a dog for its owner; but even the dog has to realize that there is noone coming home after a while.

its very convinient to just ignore those nudges, to just cope one more day without adressing that i feel horrible about something from the past. “it doesnt even make sense that i feel so horrible, people normally move on, so i should just grid my teeth through it and its gonna go away”, i thought to myself. but it never got any better.

so recently, i began to address those feelings and to actually let myself feel them. i sit with myself and think about stuff that has hurt me and that i miss. i think about my past relationships mostly.

im pretty used to holding the “best” imagine of my past partner as i can. it always felt wrong to be mad at them, or to try and make them the be the “bad” person, even though deep inside i know that they are just as confused as i am. this entire process creates another suite of problems, namely me idealizing people and amplifying the level of “i miss them” beyond whats healthy and whats logical. i, in the end, dont end up missing them, but my weird fantasy of what they could be, if they were exactly as i wanted them. and people never end up being that way, for good reasons.

anyways, feeling all the emotions and not seeing them as “annoying” or “useless” seems to be helping a lot. im starting to be understanding and compassionate towards myself, admitting that the stuff that happened to me hurt me a fuck ton. that its not just about me being “sensitive”, even though i may be, but about me actually feeling incredibly hurt in all the bad memories i have. all this time i kept telling myself that it wasnt that bad, when it truly was.

with this mindset, im allowing myself to start to understand what hurt me, to listen to myself without being critical of my past mistakes and most importantly, stop acting like there is nothing happening in my mind that is bothering me longterm. it is difficult in the moment, to relive all those memories, but in the end, i come back with a sense of self compassion and a lot more peace.

so to you, my readers, i very much recommend sitting with yourself, alone, and just admitting that stuff fucking sucked and hurt. it will be difficult at first, a lot of crying may be involved, but you need it. god how i needed it.

after this, youll most likely find out that you had a good reason to feel bad, and maybe that the next memories were highly influenced by your previous ones; in some it was maybe the case that “nothing happened”, but it reminded you of other times that were hurtful, which had tainted the new memory, even when it wasnt necessary. think about that too, im sure youll come to some interesting conclusions.

at last, live your life to the fullest and truest.