yes and

hello.

its been a while since i posted here, and ive done a lot of thinking in that time.

ive been reflecting on my previous friendships and relationships, considering how they all come together in the end. how i always feel in it and after it, and what is the behavior that leads me to these points.

one thing that i have noticed is that i always hold on with my nails until the absolute end. people normally just leave the friend/relationship if things arent working out and look somewhere else.

me? i couldnt seem to let go, like ever. it was impossible for me to fathom leaving someone without trying my absolute best to keep it going or fix it. i always tried to see the best in things, even if there was nothing good left anymore.

but i realized that if people arent interested in spending time with you, its a huge disservice towards yourself to try and “convince” them you are worth it.

ill give you an extremely cringe example, so you can see just how bad this impacted me.

this was a moment in of one of my relationships. we were talking about most likely splitting up, as the girl found someone who was more aligned with what she wanted, and i was there holding for dear life, trying to fix things and “reattract” her to me and show her that im “worth it”.

we went to a vacation together for a week, as our “goodbyes”. when we went out one night, she started telling about how they (her and the new guy she found) kissed outside on a bench so passionately and aggressively that someone called the cops. i sat next to her and listened. i heard correctly. i completely understood what she said.

yet i smiled and told her “thats cool”. i sat there like an idiot, absolutely heartbroken, but somehow i still tried my best even after hearing that. there wasnt any space for self respect, the love i had for her consumed all the space, and i couldnt be mad at her at the time.

and i still tried, even after all of that, for weeks and months on end. i could rant on and on about the situation, but in the end i dont hate the girl or anything, and i very much wish that life goes amazing for her.

my traumatic experience aside, if you didnt believe this impacted me very badly, i hope you do now.

i read a few books about relationships since then, and even more about discovering myself. i started working on myself and began going to therapy.

in that pursuit i came across an extremely memorable and life changing principle.

“If its not a FUCK YES, its a no.”

the first time i read that, i thought “no, life is a bit more complicated than that”. but each time i saw it again, it started to make more and more sense.

yesterday, it kind of all clicked into place. i remembered all the dry conversations. i remembered all the wishing that people would want to talk to me more. i remembered planning on what to say or do to make people more engaged in the conversations.

all of this felt lukewarm. its such a great description of it. just lukewarm.

life is supposed to be enjoyed, so are friendships and relationships. i always wanted to surround myself with people who make me feel like im in the right place at the right time. i wanted to feel welcomed and wanted.

i knew all of that, yet i still went and got myself into conversations and relationships that didnt feel right, that felt like a chore, and especially that felt like i have to “prove my worth” to the other party.

now i look back with understanding. this is what i grew up with. i always felt like i have to prove something to either my parents, friends or teachers. i didnt know better. this sadly creeped its way into my adult life without me realizing. i knew something was wrong, but it took some (a lot) time to the actual conclusion.

but why would a person that loves themselves and wants the best for them bother with forcing others to like them? why would you put so much effort into convincing people to care, when they dont care about you in the first place?

why the fuck would you want your life to be lukewarm? just to prove to yourself that you still got it? that you can still force people to like you? isnt that actually kinda lame?

dont pursue lukewarm friendships.
dont pursue lukewarm relationships.
dont pursue lukewarm jobs.
dont pursue lukewarm experiences.

dont pursue a lukewarm life.

if you dont feel excited about a direction in your life, why on earth would you pursue it?
if you dont feel excited about talking to a person, just go and do other things.
if that person doesnt feel excited about talking to you, do them a favor and do other things anyways. they have better things to do and so do you.

make your life be full of things that make you go FUCK YES, instead of eh, i guess?.

give it your all. thats the only way you will feel fulfilled and doubtless.

at last, live your life to the fullest and truest.