xerox of a xerox

hi.

after a while of thinking about making my own blog, ive decided to finally do it. i want it to have a form that is both a kind of a public diary and also a private well for me to dump all my emotional baggage and thoughts onto.

the first post, naturally, is named xerox of a xerox. for those who have watched bojack horseman, you know exactly what im talking about, and for those who havent, i strongly advise watching it, as ill refer to it often on this website.

its a pretty accurate depiction of how ive been feeling for quite some time now; as a copy of someone who i looked up to, or someone i adored or loved, or even a copy of a copy, as the title suggests. i can still see shards of other people in my daily behavior; in the way i talk, in the way i act, in the way i feel and show my feelings to others.

sometimes it can feel like im a copy of my past self, most of the time a worse copy of my past self. i remember being a kid and getting excited about every little stupid thing. i was so excited to talk to people. i was so interested that i ended up being annoying towards others. what changed from that time? why am i no longer all that interested in keeping up with other humans? did i copy the wrong people, or did i get scared because people found me to be “too much” and silenced that part of me?

all of the deep talk aside, sometimes, feeling like a xerox of a xerox is okay. we are all, in some sense, copies of others and copies of our previous selves. but its up to us, which people we choose to copy or adore, and its up to us to put our personality and image together from all the collected shards and pieces of them, and its up to us to choose which parts of our previous selves we are going to keep; and which we are going to kill off.