xerox of a xerox

its you

hi.

been a while again, huh?

i’m so glad that i made this blog. the fact that i can read all of my previous ideas and thoughts is great. i’ve come a long way in the time since starting it. i haven’t posted for a bit and the reason is that, well, i didn’t need to. before, i used this blog as a coping mechanism; to get out what was bothering me.

there isn’t much that bothers me now. i’ve accepted most of it. i want to describe my thought process; and maybe help you do the same.

disclaimer: this might sound like esoteric bullshit, but stick with it and i think (hope) it’ll make sense.

lets start with what bothers people; there’s a lot of things:

maybe it’s your last relationship and your breakup.
maybe your stomach is a little bit bigger than you’d want.
maybe your front teeth are chipped and you think about it all the time.
maybe you feel boring and not worth anyone’s time.
maybe you don’t know what you feel at all.
maybe you’re scared to be yourself.

the last one is a bit of foreshadowing. we’ll get to it later.

we all have things that bother us; from the moment we were kids, people pointed out any weirdness we had or we grew into: crooked teeth, birth marks, the way you spell the letter S and it whistles, or the fact that you can’t look people in the eyes while talking to them. normal stuff.

these things are obviously normal, everybody has something “weird” to them, otherwise the world would be unbearably boring. can you imagine if everybody was the exact same? the epitome of “perfect” or “normal”, whatever that may mean? imagine a party where everyone is the exact same; same hobbies, ideas, interests.

would you feel like there is anything to explore in such a world? i wouldn’t.

still, people feel like this “weirdness” is something that they should hide inside of themselves and never show to the world; after all, who would want to be seen as a “weirdo”? we are taught, from our youngest years, that we should be ourselves, but not too much; we should not let people walk all over us, but only sometimes; we should not bend over backwards to the needs and wants of others, but only when it’s not our spouse, boss, or family.

world runs on contrasts; for there to be something thats fun and interesting, it has to be different. there is no joy or excitement from sameness; but things being different from each other? thats where it’s at. you can figure out what makes you tick only because you can figure out what doesn’t.

i remember my first friendships and relationships; those people seemed like they were made for me! that i couldn’t find better. obviously now i know that it was only because i didn’t know anything else; i didn’t have anything to compare with, so i couldn’t even begin to fathom if it’s something for me or not.

this is where your “weirdness” comes into play. you are one such contrast; your mere existence differs you from everyone else. you can do with it as you please; there are ways that are better and worse for your overall experience, in my opinion.

one way to expand that contrast is to be yourself, unapologitecally. by increasing the difference between you and the rest of the world. what does that mean in practical terms? i’m so glad you asked.

remember that weird voice in your head that tells you to grit your teeth through conflict? when friends make fun of you, assume something untrue, or are just mean for no reason? when the person you like has different ideas or opinions, and that voice nudges you to go along and pretend that you’re the same? when it says that you should finally, for the love of god, stop being so weird and just get along like everyone else?

this voice sabotages everything you would like the world to be; and no, i’m not overstating when i say that. the logic behind it looks fine at first glace; you don’t want to have too many conflicts, or people will stop “liking” you. you don’t want to look weird, or people will not want to talk to you. that’s atleast what you think will happen. the reality is quite the opposite, even if counter intuitive.

people don’t like yes-men; well, they might find them “comfortable” and “useful”, but not exciting or memorable. they are good if they need some validation or help, but otherwise they don’t give them second thoughts. neither do they like people who are so mundane that it makes them angry; you know exactly what i’m talking about; “yes, interests, i have those, let me see… social media, shopping, music”. amazing.

the people you are truly drawn to are the ones who are unapologetically themselves. who won’t bend just to please you. you love people who could exist without you, and who exist despite of you. who do things when you’re not around. who take care of themselves. who do all they can to live their life the way they want to live. who are weird in all the best possible ways.

anything else starts to feel dishonest, and fake is a major turn off. it’s more enjoyable to have someone disagree out of honesty than to have someone lie to your face just to appeal to you; what else are they hiding or lying about? why don’t they think you are worth their honesty? why the hell don’t they value themselves enough to stand by their real opinons?

it’s funny; you try to put someone on a pedestal, agree with them on everything, even though you internally dont agree, you hide your noncomformist and weird parts; and somehow you think you make them feel worthy. by lying to them. by hiding from them. isnt that absurd?

do you think other people have it different? that your friends or your crush find it really awesome that you center your life around them and never oppose them? that you are a blank slate they can write onto? just try to think of people who are that way; what are the first thoughts that come to mind?

obnoxious. dishonest. pretentious. boring.

i hope by now it is clear what i mean by contrast, and i hope it’s even more clear on how to achieve it.

but at the same time, i want to discourage you to start achieving contrast just for the sake of recognition, attention or love. contrast for the sake of outer world isn’t the goal; it’s a nice side effect. the more you start building up yourself, standing up for you opinions and respecting yourself, the more your actual inner experience improves.

the more you distance yourself from, well, yourself, the more you stop enjoying life. the more you put on a mask for others (or yourself, based on some judgy opinions you might hold), the more you block authenticity and enjoyment of life.

this obviously has positive effects towards the outer world, relationships, friendships, opportunities, etc; but it’s not the reason it’s worth it. the main reason, in my opinion, is you liking being alive; doing stuff you genuinely like, enjoy, and that you can’t wait to do the next day all over again.

and at last, live your life to the fullest and truest.