downer ending

hello.

downer ending has been one of the most life altering episodes of bojack horseman out of all of them. especially the ending.

the episode starts with bojack wanting to prove to diane that he can write a much better memoir than she ever could, so he teams up with todd and sarah lynn, takes some drugs, and gets to writing.

after bojack starts to experience heavy hallucinations, he wakes up at a house right next to a lake, with charlotte, his long lasting fantasy crush. what i mean by fantasy crush is not that the person isnt real, but the fact that he didnt see her for years and just idolized her to an unhealthy degree. he has a kid with her, harper, and lives through a life with her, only to wake up to a phone call that takes him out of all the halucinations, including the peaceful life with charlotte.

why is that important? it shows us that bojack has been dreaming of actual healthy relationships with people he loves, and the drugs just make it come out and take form. hes not a bad person inside, he just wants to be loved purely and wholeheartedly, as everyone does. this is a stark contrast to the way he is the entire show beforehand, a bitter and a “socially impossible to deal with” person.

after his drug trip, he sobers up, and goes to diane to apologize for being mean to her before, because.. reasons. and at the end of the apology, he says one of the most iconic questions in the entire show:

"Diane, I need you to tell me that it's not too late—I, I, I need you to tell me that I'm a good person. I know that I can be selfish and narcissistic and self-destructive, but underneath all that, deep down, I'm a good person and I need you to tell me that I'm good—Diane—tell me, please, Diane, tell me that I'm good—"

for the first time in the show, we start seeing bojacks true colors. somewhere “deep down”, he knows he wants to change, and he knows how terrible he has been to the people in his life. hes not just an asshole that wants to hurt people around him, but an actual caring person too.

but this does not help him whatsoever, because he is unable to help himself. he asks diane, to tell him that he is “good”, because that would make him feel hopeful for the future, as he most likely needs other people to cling onto for his self improvement, a common BPD trait. this, coupled with the fact that diane is his love interest, is absolutely unfortunate. not only is diane not interested in him, already in a relationship, but she also doesnt answer this (crucial to bojack) question.

why am i going into such detail on a single episode of the funny horse man show? because i relate to it more than i want to admit. obviously not the drug part, as i would never do drugs, but i relate to his need of validation. most of my self worth is often built up and kept by my partners and friends, and when they leave or get busy, it crumbles. ive been researching on how to prevent this and how to build myself an actual steady foundation of self worth, but nothing ever clicked.

i recognize that throwing this burden on the people around me is not a good way to create and maintain relationships, as noone really enjoys having to validate the other person all the time, just for that person to not crumble. but at this point, im not sure what to do about this, as ive never learned another way (that works) for this particular issue.

i also recognize that if i continue doing it the same way i was doing it up until now is not gonna yield different results. you get what you put in, and putting in the same thing over and over again is a pretty sure way to just get the same thing over and over.

this is pretty anticlimactic, but ill end this post here, without resolution, as i simply dont have it, and continuing would probably just end up in me rambling in circles.

until next time, live your life to the fullest and truest.