brand new couch
february 9, 2026hiya.
this time we havent been separated for so long, have we? how are you feeling these days? have you been better? or have you been suffocating yourself for others again?
lets talk about selective memory and perception - something i cant stop thinking about lately. you know the feeling: your relationship seems to be going great, everything in life is working out; and you overlook things that would horrify you if a friend described them. this happens both in the moment, and in retrospect.
i have genuinely forgotten parts of experiences because they sucked. only after a deep introspection (both in my head, and with my friends) was i able to actually remember things i buried without realizing.
this tends to go the other way also; when youre doing really poorly, you tend to overlook the great things, and focus just on the negative. it shifts constantly, even moment to moment, and thats what makes it so hard to catch yourself.
this is especially true when you get into a new relationship; particularly rebounds. you are so eager to feel loved again that you selectively ignore every red flag staring you in the face. the new person could be doing the most outrageous and obviously dishonest stuff, and you wouldnt even flinch.
all of this is amplified by certain personality disorders, be it BPD, NPD, or something else like ADHD, depression, mania, etc.
from all the situations i have described on this blog, i tend to excuse a lot of bad behavior from people. i tend to overlook the most insane shit because i chase love more than my self respect.
but thats no way to live, is it? ignoring your inner signals that tell you that something is wrong. ignoring the part of you that is ready to walk away even if it will hurt like a motherfucker.
i have been in one such situation lately. without going into the full story - someone i was with started seeing someone new. all the things i had waited weeks or months for, this new person got immediately. calls we hadnt had in four months, video calls i had asked for and never got, good morning messages that just stopped coming to me. i watched it happen in real time and still told myself it was fine.
my gut was screaming at me that something was wrong. i could feel it. but every time i brought it up, they would completely assure me i was making stuff up and nothing was happening. so i swallowed it and moved on.
and i believed them, even after knowing they had done this in the past already and confessed it in detail afterwards; because there was no way someone who genuinely loved me would do this, right..?
this went on for weeks, and would go on for months if i hadnt finally opened up to my friends about it. they called the bullshit right away, as it was clear as day to them.
why?
why was it impossible for me to see it? especially when it was so obvious?
selective memory, or in this case, selective perception. its very hard for someone (including you) to notice things that they either dont ever expect to happen - or more likely - dont want to happen.
and it doesnt stop at ignored texts and broken promises; this same mechanism scales. it is what keeps people in situations far worse than mine.
this is the reason why abuse victims stay. one would find it absurd that someone who is being physically abused (in case of domestic violence) is willing to stay and will excuse the person who is abusing them. why on earth would they excuse someone who is literally beating them up instead of slamming the door in their face and never talking to them again?
because they dont want to believe it themselves. it is so hard to try and accept the fact that someone - who you love so dearly and eternally - would ever do that to you.
“they must have a good reason.”
“they do it out of love.”
“they do it because you deserved it.”
“they are just in a bad headspace and dont mean any harm.”
however you choose to keep yourself in those delusions, they are just that, delusions.
people dont hurt you because they want to (most of the time); but because they literally dont know anything else. they have not healed their traumas, they have not dealt with their past, and they have no idea how to attend to their own emotions, outside of hurting others and themselves (be it by not taking care of themselves, abandoning themselves, or worse).
that doesnt excuse them, nor should be the reason you stay and “wait for better times”. those better times are not coming. and even if they were - they sure as fuck arent worth being a doormat for.
the most important thing from this entire blog that you should take home is:
be observant.
dont be ignorant, dont excuse people because you love them. give them honest feedback and dont be afraid to walk away, if they are not able to act better towards you.
you dont deserve to be treated poorly just because you are in love. you never did, you never do, and you never will.
if your parents didnt treat you well, you didnt deserve it.
if your friends dont treat you well, you dont deserve it.
if your partners dont treat you well, you dont deserve it.
but for the love of god, dont let them keep getting away with it. the only person who can put a stop to that is you. only you can be the one who protects you; truly protects you.
they havent chosen their past, but they sure are choosing their present and future; and if they truly cared, they would do their best to work on those issues, wouldnt they? im sure you would do that for them. but it doesnt seem like much of a priority for them, because it isnt.
dont dodge the truth, dont sugarcoat it, dont do any bullshitting yourself. the truth of the matter is very uncomfortable; they care about their short term coping strategies more than they do about you and the relationship they have with you.
thats just who they are; no matter how gut wrenching, how unfortunate, how heart breaking, its still the truth. there is nothing you can do about the truth but cut yourself loose.
and i know that sounds brutal. but on the other side of that door is your actual life, waiting for you.
and at last, live your life to the fullest and truest.